I have survived the first week with one child out of
the nest. Patrick didn’t even test his
wings first. He took flight and kept going. In the past week, he has been home for maybe
an hour, and that was only because he was waiting for me to finish getting
ready for church. I miss him, but mostly
I am happy that he has fallen into his new life with ease. I have, of course, seen him—any time I can
find a reason to drop by his dorm. I had
a chance to sit and visit with him and a couple of his new friends a few nights
after he moved in. It amazes me that he
ended up rooming with a stranger who could not have been more of a perfect match
for him if I had hand picked someone.
God is so good. He knows what we
need and how to make it happen. We had
some major complications in getting Patrick settled into the right dorm. His scholarship contract was lost in the
shuffle somewhere, which caused him to be placed in the wrong dorm. It took
weeks of me calling and visiting the housing department as well as maneuvering
through all of the red tape in order to ensure that Patrick received his
scholarship before he was finally placed in his second choice dorm, which has
the same floor plan as the honor’s dorm he had chosen as his first choice. Now, after meeting Patrick’s roommate, as well
as the new friends Patrick has acquired through him, I know that God created
the situation for just this outcome. It
was a struggle that I would like to say I managed gracefully, but there were
moments when I succumbed to tears of frustration before digging my heels in and
refocusing on my goal. It was worth it,
though, and I know that God expected me to trust Him enough to continue the
fight and that He led me to the right people and gave me the strength to remain
calm and treat all of them with respect.
I could not have done it in my own strength.
I do not enjoy change. I thrive best within the boundaries of routine. I like dark edges that define where I am
supposed to be and that ensure predictability.
I have learned, however, that there is only one thing that I can predict
and that is the inevitability of change.
I sometimes envy those who get up every morning to return to a job that
requires the same thing day after day and week after week. Even when life circumstances change, their
role in it is the same. I am aware that
I could have had this assurance had Jeff and I not made some of the choices we
have—choices that took me out of my career path. We chose to homeschool, and with that choice
came the added responsibility of ensuring that our children did not miss
extracurricular opportunities. When they
were younger, there wasn’t a lot of change to adapt to from year to year with
schooling. In the summer, I ordered new
books and planned lessons for the following year. I knew which extra activities they would be
involved in and my role in them. As each
child moved into the junior high years, teaching became more of a challenge
that required studying on my part and the realization that I was the one
preparing to move each of them into high school and, ultimately, out of high
school. High school was every bit the
challenge that everyone so willingly warned me of, and it has been regrettably different for each of my children. Just
when I felt that I had a handle on all that I needed to know to move one of my
children out of high school and into college, the next child came along with
entirely different needs and abilities to meet them. I kept a binder with all of Madison’s senior
year activities so that I would be able to use it as a manual when Patrick
reached his senior year. After Patrick’s
first ACT scores came back, I realized that I had a whole new realm of responsibility
in making sure that he received the scholarships that were sure to come
available to him. There was so much paperwork,
and I was always so afraid that I would miss something and Patrick would have
to pay the price for it. We followed him
in every direction he chose to explore, even when that took us to LSU and the
realization that Patrick may not choose to follow the family’s footsteps to ULM. In the end, it was Patrick’s decision to stay
here, and we were proud that he weighed all of his options and made the
decision based on what was the best for his school career. Still, there were times when we wanted to take
the reins. Sometimes I was the strong
one, and other times it was Jeff. Each
time, we reminded the other that God was leading Patrick and would let him know
what to do. Now, with two binders full
of useful information, I am accepting the fact that neither will be a blueprint for Carter’s senior year. We are hoping for TOPS and academic
scholarship opportunities, but Carter has his heart set on jumping for ULM’s
track team. I am now learning the ins
and outs of scouting and once again worrying over the possibility of missing
the one crucial step that will cost Carter his dream.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time my edges
were defined. I exist within the blurry
boundaries of constant change. I have
learned that I do not have to find my footing before taking the next step. My circumstances require me to look months or
years in advance, but I am learning to stay in the moment while doing so. My edges are blurred, but they are edges
still the same, and edges, no matter how undefined, are meant to give shape and
purpose to all that is contained within.