Perspective

As I watch Madison grow up before my eyes, it is hard comprehend that she has reached this point in her life. My whole life and who I was in it changed so quickly at the age of 14 going into 15. As Madison turned 15, it hit me hard that I was motherless at that age. Even though she is independent in so many ways and helps me so much, I can not imagine her having to take on the burden of running the house. I know that she could do it, but I can't imagine her having to. At 15, I felt so grown. I didn't feel like a kid trying to do a woman's job. Maybe it was because I had Vicki there to help me....maybe it was because I just knew that it had to be done. At the time it seemed like a clean break from childhood into adulthood, but looking back now I know that I slid into the role with one arm reaching back to keep my hand on the child that I was, like a worried mother in a crowded street with her child. I now know that the child did indeed slip away with my mother, leaving only an empty shirt for me to cling to, tricking me with it's scent of childhood and my mother's perfume. I often wonder if I would be different had things not happened the way they did. I know that it made me independent but also needy...expecting too much of people, especially the ones that I love. It made me appreciate life and the gift of aging, while at the same time caused me to forever view life through the eyes of a child, searching for a way back to the body that it was snatched from. This is not a bad thing. I am serious about the family and home that God has given me to care for, but I don't forget to stop and play....to enjoy the day that God has chosen to give to me. I play with my children not only because I love to play with them, but also because I know that the children inside of them have already begun to become lost in the crowded street that is life. It is not for me to hang on to them, but it is my privilege to enjoy them as much as I can while they are here. I pray that they will be able to do this on their own time, without having to reach back, grasping for something that slipped away too soon. At the same time, I know from my experience that good will come from whatever path God chooses for them to take. God chose to snatch me from my childhood, but he also chose to let me be here to share in my children's. What a revelation it was to watch my daughter turn 15......even more so to be here to hold her hand through it.